I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
