Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
