btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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