Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Send help, water and tortillas.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
