he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
