I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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