I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
