When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
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