Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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