Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
