I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize
