4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
