Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
