So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
