Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
