Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
