Will you blow on my dice?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
