My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
