there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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