The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
