Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
