answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
