Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I wish you could order shots online.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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