He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
