On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
