Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
