Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
