wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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