just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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