Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
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