At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
