the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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