I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
