This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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