My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
how drunk are you?
Several
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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