i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
