Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
