Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
