Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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