On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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