My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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