Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
