Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
