I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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