Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Be still, my beating vagina.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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