Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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