I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
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