I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
