you have to choose: penises or morals?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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