Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
