Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I will pee on everything he values.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
