I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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